A Letter
by FireAndFury
Summary: "I should've told you all of that before but I guess you don't realize what you have until it's been ripped away from you, something I should've learned a long time ago." Alternate ending to Judgement Day.


**A.N. Hello all! It's been awhile since I've written much of anything... sorry 'bout that. Life just has a tendency to be a little insane at times. I don't typically write angst, but I do write Jibbs! I re-watched Judgement Day for the first time in over a year (which was a terrible decision on my part... I still cried... a lot...) and was inspired to write this little oneshot. Thanks goes to _pockethuman_ once again for beta reading this and giving me the idea to begin with. Also a special Happy early Birthday to the lovely Lauren Holly! If I could give her hug, I totally would. Probably should've written something happier... this was all I got. **

**For Brooke, I still miss you.**

 **Disclaimer: Do I wish I owned it? Yes. Do I own it? Not at all.**

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Gibbs took a glance around the old brownstone. It was so cold, so lifeless. It used to be a place of warmth and security, but then again that was when Jenny was still here to welcome him in. _She's dead._ His eyes misted over but tears refused to fall.

He approached the study and smiled fondly at the old wooden desk before gliding over to the small cabinet that he knew contained her favorite bourbon. He poured a small glass and drank it quickly, allowing the warm liquid to burn his esophagus. He poured another but instead of throwing it back like he did with the first, he went to sit behind her desk. It was a bit of a mess. He smirked. _She never was the most organized person._ He gingerly picked up her reading glasses and spun them between his fingertips, staring at them with glazed eyes. _I guess she doesn't need them anymore._ He set them down quickly to compose himself and began to look through the case files on the oak desk. It was just a few cases that required her signature, nothing special. Just as he was about to set the stack of files down again, a small slip of paper caught his eye. He pulled it out swiftly. There, on her stationary, in her perfect script, were the words " _Dear Jethro_ ". His breath caught in his throat. The letter was blank but those two words were enough. He took a piece of paper from her stationary and a pen and started to write.

 _Dear Jen,_

 _You know I've never been one for words but for you, I'm willing to try. I found the note you started writing. It was blank. That was always our relationship, wasn't it? We never needed words to let the other one know what we were thinking. I miss that. I miss you, Jen. That's never changed._

 _You'll probably laugh at me, but I remember the first day I met you. You were so green and ready to prove that you could survive in the "boys' club". You refused to take crap from anyone, including me. You were... are one of the strongest, most independent women I know. You've more than proved yourself, Jenny, and I couldn't be more proud._

 _I also remember the first time you tried bourbon. It was a rough case and I found you at some hole-in-the-wall of a bar. You were nursing some sort of fruity drink (why you women like them, I still have no clue) when I took it away and replaced it with something stronger. You weren't impressed but tried it anyway... and almost coughed up a lung. I started laughing (come on, Jen! It was funny!). You, on the other hand, were ticked. You delivered a mean right hook to my shoulder (left a nice bruise, by the way) and downed the whole shot without batting an eye. I'll never forget the look of satisfaction on your face._

 _That op in Europe was asking for trouble. I knew I was attracted to you, and vice versa, but I never expected to fall in love with you. You knew about the ex-wives (and teased me mercilessly for it) but never judged. I married them with some sort of ulterior motive (as much as I'm ashamed to admit it) whether it be to try to replace Shannon or just have someone to come home to. With you, there wasn't any plan. You captivated me like no woman ever had before. I admired your confidence and your ability to challenge me. You were my best friend and my partner, still are._

 _You never questioned why I woke up screaming or demanded to know what the nightmare was about. You just held me. No questions asked. Maybe it was because you had a few secrets of your own but you understood what it was like to feel pain. You had nightmares too. I remember feeling helpless when I'd turn over and see you curled in a fetal position with tears streaming down your face, living in a terrible fantasy you couldn't escape from. You'd wake up panicked and burrow yourself into my side trying to make yourself as small as possible. I wanted so badly to protect you but I knew I couldn't keep you from your own thoughts so I just held you as tightly as I could without hurting you. If we had to relive pain, we weren't going to do it alone._

 _And then one day I couldn't wake up from my nightmare. You were gone, leaving only a coat and a letter behind. What you didn't know is that you took what was left of my heart with you. I was hurt, furious even, but I eventually accepted it. I guess now I understand why you left. I should've chased after you. I screwed you over. I knew you weren't ready to take out a hit but it was assigned to you anyway. I should've protested, confirmed the kill, been there with you, or done something to make sure you were okay. But I can't change the past, as much as I wish I could._

 _I'm so sorry, Jenny. Screw rule six. Mike said you sacrificed yourself to protect me, but who was protecting you? I should've been there with you. You asked me to go with you and I turned you down. I wasn't there when you needed me and I'll never be able to forgive myself for that. Ducky told me you were sick, why didn't you tell me, Jen? I know you. You were always independent but you were never meant to die alone. I would've been by your side no matter what. I know we weren't in the best of places when you left but that didn't mean I didn't still care about you. You were... are the woman I fell hard for and never managed to get back up. Thinking about you being alone and hunted like some sort of animal... I can't. I can't think about it. I was supposed to have your six, despite whatever state we were in. That's what partners do._

 _I guess I'm too late to tell you most of this now and maybe that's why I'm writing it in a letter. So here's what you need to know:_

 _1._ _That first day when I saw you in MTAC, six years without contact, you took my breath away. I wanted nothing more than to clear the room and give you the most passionate 'welcome home' of your life._

 _2._ _I loved to get you fired up. When we fought, you weren't the Director; you were my Jen. You were a force to be reckoned with but I couldn't help but think how adorable you looked when you were pissed at me. I used to be able to stop your rants by pressing my lips to yours and you'd melt, but as director, I didn't think it'd be reciprocated anymore (no matter how badly I still wanted to)._

 _3._ _I hated the pixie cut. I loved your hair long (it reminded me of when you were a probie). But I got used to it. Just like I had to get used to calling you "Director"._

 _4._ _We used to eat dinner together in your office. I know they weren't dates, but it certainly felt like they were. You said "no off the job" but that didn't mean I'd lost hope._

 _5._ _The day you were kidnapped was one of the most terrifying days I've ever experienced. I couldn't lose you too. I didn't hesitate to take the shot but you looked scared out of your mind. Later, we left autopsy and gone to your office, you threw your arms around me and muttered your thanks. I was so relieved to have you next to me again that I held you just as fiercely._

 _6._ _I know you stayed with me every night while I was in the hospital. I remember hearing you talk, holding my hand, and just being there even if I didn't give any sort of response. It couldn't've been good for you, falling asleep in a hospital chair every night, but you never complained and I was glad someone was there while I was reliving my nightmares again. I never did thank you for that..._

 _7._ _Mike and I talked about you a lot while I was in Mexico. I told him everything, Jen. There's a reason why I returned permanently, several actually, but you were the main one._

 _8._ _I knew you loved my hair long (you said it reminded you of Serbia) so I kept it like that. The mustache? That was just to annoy you._

 _9._ _I was jealous about how close you and Tony had become, even if I didn't know the reason behind it. You told me I had "no need to know" and that ticked me off. You were keeping secrets again. Hollis was there and I became involved with her with the hope that it'd make you jealous... I guess it sort of worked._

 _10._ _I shouldn't have let you face your demons on your own. You deserved better than that. I just wish I could've helped. I knew what it was like to get revenge, I didn't want you to go through what I did._

 _11._ _I loved to hear you laugh. It was rare that you did, but when it happened, it was beautiful._

 _12._ _The night you asked me to stay, it took all of my willpower to say no. I didn't know what it meant. We had drifted apart and I didn't know if it was just a one night stand or if it meant you were ready to start over. Maybe I should've asked (you looked so hurt and vulnerable and it killed me to know I was the cause, but I couldn't take it back). I loved you but I didn't want to stay if it wasn't going to mean anything. I didn't want you to wake up and regret it or resent me for being there._

 _13._ _I still love you. I never stopped. Even when you left I couldn't bring myself to resent you or what we had. I never regretted it. Sure, we'll always have Paris but I'd like to think we had more than that. You were practically everything to me, Jen. I know I had a sorry way of showing it but I didn't know what to do. One moment we were at each other's throats and the next we were acting like no time had passed and we were back in Europe. That didn't mean I loved you less, in fact, I may have loved you more. You had flaws, regrets, you weren't perfect... and I loved you for it. I still love you._

 _I should've told you all of that before but I guess you don't realize what you have until it's been ripped away from you, something I should've learned a long time ago. So now I'm sitting in your study, in the same chair you signed off on case reports and your father was murdered in, waiting. Svetlana should be on her way by now to finish me off herself. I'm not afraid of dying, Jen, and I guess you weren't either._

 _I'll see you soon,_

 _Jethro_

The special agent put down the pen and looked up the sound of someone else entering the room. He didn't make any move to get up, the end was near; he could feel it and didn't feel like fighting it. Svetlana raised the Glock, her hands trembling slightly as she took aim at his heart. He smiled resignedly, his eyes tired and bloodshot.

"Semper Fi."

The ringing of a gunshot was the last thing he heard.

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 **A.N. Thanks for reading. Reviews make my day!**


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